Never Existed
by Let.Go.and.Jump.In
Summary: When Edward abandoned Bella, he promised it would be like he never existed. But, question is, did he really exist or is he a figment of Bella's sickness? short, might be longer fanfic rated M for angst/possible suicide. please rate and review!
1. Chapter 1

**December 3****rd****, Night**

"No, he's real! Edward is real! The Cullens, they live in a house right outside of town-"

"Sweetie, that house has been abandoned for years now."

Bella could hear the echo of his words from only a month ago…_It will be like I never existed._

"No, No," Bella kept repeating, rocking her form slowly on the bed.

"Bella? Bella listen to me!" Charlie grabbed her arms gently to face him. She met his eyes with a crazed expression.

"Edward,…this 'guy' you've been 'seeing,' he doesn't exist Bella! He's a figment of your imagination. Remember what the psychiatrist said?"

"I don't believe you" was all Bella could mutter out of her closed teeth. She shut her eyes.

Charlie sighed "Fine" he marched downstairs. Bella could hear the clanging of cabinets and medicine bottles.

"Here"

Bella opened her eyes. Charlie held out that familiar purple pill, that oh so insignificant drug that supposedly would "take all her pain away" and make her forget her hallucinations. She never told anyone, that in her comatose state she could see his face – feel his breath on her skin – and the pain was more nerve-wracking than ever – but she would endure it to see him again.

Hastily, her fingers grappled with the demented concoction, and she swallowed it in the next instant.

"Do you want me to turn on the television downstairs, so you can fall asleep easier?"

Falling asleep in silence the past month had almost numbed her into madness.

"Yes, thanks Ch-Dad."

Charlie nodded and left the room, making sure his daughter's door wasn't completely closed (he had taken off the lock earlier when Bella had locked herself in her room for a week, staring absently out the window).

She could feel the effects slowly pervade through her veins. Just as her eyes began to droop, her body let out a final shudder before her eyelids met Edward's golden gaze.


	2. Chapter 2

_Just a little story, may or may not continue. Tell me what you think :)_

* * *

**December 4th**

School came and passed. Bella could see everyone around her, moving to classes. She could hear the teachers talking. She saw her friends trying to comfort her, trying to be as normal as possible towards her –but behind their eyes, she could see something she was afraid of.

They knew it. They knew Edward existed, that the Cullens existed. Besides the psychiatrist, Charlie and Renee, who constantly reassured her that Edward never existed, she never asked anyone of Edward since his disappearance.

Falling into her car, she took a moment, a long moment, as she usually did. Composing her tears, she started the engine and slowly backed out – following the winding road out of Forks towards Seattle.

**

* * *

**

"Charlie called me today" Dr. Palmer sat with his legs crossed, a concerned expression plastered upon his handsome features. He was young, in his late 20s, maybe early 30s. His dark hair matched that of Emmett's unruly black. Yet his brown eyes and chiseled features didn't hold the same soft, benevolent expression as Carlisle.

_As if he really cares._

Bella nodded. She was ready for Dr. Palmer to comment, yet again, on her episode the night before.

He sat back in the chair and sighed "Bella, I know it is hard to get over…Edward,..."

"_Don't_…say his name" Bella cringed and looked out the window.

"Bella, sweetheart" Dr. Palmer leaned in a touched her knee. Bella threw him an irksome look and shifted in her seat.

"We've talked about this, honey. You have two options. Your father and mother…and me, are very worried about your behavior lately. We've given you an ultimatum before, remember? Either St. Kilmer's hospital in Seattle, or you can make a healthy effort to get better and accept that this whole thing was a hallucination."

Rather than screaming at him, Bella held her breath and steamed – steamed because she wanted to mask her tears with hate.

"Bella, do you have any proof that Edward existed?"

Bella threw him a knowing look "I told you. He took all of it! The pictures, the album, he even tore his half of my birthday picture! I only have the cd-" Bella choked back on a sob "and the stereo in my car."

"Bella" Dr. Palmer became solemn "This is a serious offense. I've asked you before, but where did you get that stereo?"

She felt like she was being strangled. "I didn't steal it" she muttered through clenched teeth.

"Of course you didn't" He sat back in his chair with a sigh "And I'm sure you had someone else install it, you very well couldn't do it yourself?"

"His name, is Emmett. And it was a gift, from the Cullens."

* * *

"I've decided to up her dosage of the drug. She should take it morning and night now."

"Thanks"

Bella could hear the depressed tone in her father's voice through the door. It absolutely killed her how upset her father was.

"Are you still reminding her constantly, and Renee also, about the hallucination?..."

"…yes" Charlie's voice came out in a forced whisper.

"I think it's best to keep telling her this, to force her back into reality. Her clinical depression could have been worse Charlie, you're doing the right thing."

There was a long pause of hushed talking before she heard Dr. Palmer's explanation.

"Bella is very mature, and has been it seems for a very long time. She acts twice her age, and I see that in her mannerisms and reasoning. But her maturity is masked by her fear of aging- that's why she creates this _fictional_ _imaginary_ boyfriend, who she tells me never ages. You need to tell her he isn't real, and be assertive."

"Never ages?" Charlie seemed astounded by the claim.

"You see? Bella is starting to hallucinate even worse; we need to stop it while we can."

She let her head fall in her hands.

Even the psychiatrist had turned her father against her.

**

* * *

**

Charlie drove the red truck home with Bella seated dejectedly in the passenger seat. Her lullaby played on for the 22nd time.

"This has got to stop" Charlie mumbled gruffly, turning down the song. Bella sat unphased by the comment.

"What is this anyway?"

"Edward wrote it for me."

Charlie pulled over the car. The truck came to a screeching halt.

"Bella, Edward-Edward doesn't exist!" he forced into a yell. Bella turned towards him, her eyes crystallized with tears.

"Please Dad" she started to whimper. "don't do this to me."

"Bella it's got to stop! You've been depressed for a month and a half, you can't go on this way" Charlie's voice was laced in aggravation, as if pleading for Bella to cooperate.

"I…I-I just can't do it Dad. I know Dr. Palmer says he never existed, but even YOU talked to him! He _did_ exist Dad! This is completely ridiculous" Bella felt the sobs coming on, and she collapsed into her father's arms.

Charlie's tears began to mix with his daughters as he stroked her hair, and told her things were going to get better.

* * *

Bella curled up in her bed, holding herself together.

_Maybe…maybe I have hallucinated…_

_No you haven't Bella! Don't give in! He did exist!_

She peered up at the bottle on her bedside table.

"I just want to see you again" her eyes squeeze out the last of her tears. Tearing off the blanket and grabbing the bottle, she shoved the new pill into her mouth. It wasn't purple this time, it was white.

Within a few minutes, her body began to relax into a dreamy state.

_Wow, that was quick…_

**Bella**

Bella shot out of bed and whirled around the room. Who had called her name?

**Bella**,

She could feel his hand trace the skin around her shoulder. Suddenly soft fluttering kisses swept across her collarbone.

"Don't open your eyes, don't open your eyes" _or he will disappear_.

"Bella, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere"

Peeking out of the corner of her left eye, she saw the milky white figure. Her eyes popped open.

"Edward?"

He smiled, nodding to her question. "God Bella, I've missed you so much"

His hands grabbed her waist and lowered her to the bed. Still in shock, she succumbed to his touch – unable to recognize dream from reality any longer…she _wanted_ this to be real.

"Why did you leave?" she gasped out – Edward's mouth was on her neck.

Before he could answer, she felt a sharp twinge in her neck.

"Edward, that hurts"

But the pain didn't stop. The pressure of his body on top of hers was mounting, but she had no breath to cry out. His eyes suddenly met hers…they were filled with red.

"E-Edward, please…"

She choked on her last bit of air before her lungs collapsed. Her body was being slammed against the bed by Edward's hands, again and again and again and again…

**

* * *

**

"BELLA!"

Charlie watched in horror as his daughter's body convulsed, her mouth foaming with white and red – her eyes rolled back into their sockets.

He grappled for his phone and dialed 911 "This is Charlie Swan – yes, Chief Swan- come to my house immediately my daughter is having a seizure!"


	3. Chapter 3

_Please rate and review!!!_

* * *

"The dosage of anti-depressant anti-anxiety medications was much too high for her."

"But the psychiatrist-"

"He made a mistake, I believe. Or Isabella took more than she was supposed to. But the effects of the intense seizures she underwent may have damaging effects on her memory."

_They think I tried to kill myself_. Bella laughed inwardly in her feigned sleep.

"Isabella? Are you awake?" the doctor's voice came out smooth, and momentarily she felt a calming influence wash over her.

She could feel her fingers and toes. Slowly the sensation picked up in her limbs, and up to her stomach-

Her eyes flashed open, and a woman in a white coat was immediately by her side with a yellow bucket. The revolting stench of her vomit only made her more nauseated.

"No more" Bella begged, her hands shaking. Charlie held his daughter's hair and stroked her back soothingly.

"It's okay Bella"

"We have to get it all out Isabella, you have to try" the woman gingerly assisted.

_I'm done trying!_ Bella cried inwardly as she felt the new wave of vomit flow up through her esophagus.

When she was assisted back into her bed with white sheets, she stared at the white ceiling as the nurse pressed a cold washcloth on her face. She hated being taken care of.

"Isabella," the doctor came up to her bedside, holding her hand gently. She felt cold to the touch. Bella turned to meet the doctor's gaze. Her eyes were caramel.

"I'm Dr. Tanya, I will be taking care of you while you are in the hospital"

_Her name…it's so familiar…_

"You realize, you had a very close call. If Charlie hadn't checked on you last night, you wouldn't be here today."

Bella stared at the doctor, stunned. Her eyes, her touch- her white pale skin – her exquisite beauty – her blonde hair -

"Did you know the Cullens?" Bella immediately blurted out, her eyes giving the doctor a knowing stare.

The doctor seemed taken aback by Bella's question, especially in the dire circumstances she had just related to her. Bella was aware that Charlie had made a motion behind her back.

"I'm…I'm sorry dear, but I've never heard of a 'Cullen' before. I think you need some rest." She turned to Charlie. "I'm pager 756 if you need my assistance Chief Swan."

She watched the gorgeous model glide out of the room. Tears began to stream down her face. Closing her eyes, she wished everyone in the room away – wished herself to the meadow with Edward.

* * *

"I think it's best if you see Dr. Palmer today."

"But Dad, he tried to kill me!"

"No Bella, _you_ almost killed yourself!" Charlie turned to Bella angrily in the car.

"I swear Charlie I didn't! There were only 6 pills in there-"

"There were only 5 pills left in that bottle, 5!! Dr. Palmer said he gave you 30 pills. You took 25 pills Bella" she spotted a tear falling down her father's cheek, and turned away shamefully_. I didn't kill myself! If only he knew, God what has happened to me? What has happened to my life? I don't want to do this to Charlie! I don't want to hurt anymore, and I don't want to hurt anyone anymore…_

"You're right." Bella choked back a sob, closing her eyes.

'What?!" Charlie almost screamed. It was the first time his daughter wasn't in denial.

"You're...y-you're right Dad. I…I have a problem, and I promise…I'm g-going to try and g-get b-better from n-now on."

Charlie pulled the car over and reached over to his daughter, filling her in a warm embrace. "I'm…I'm glad" his voice was relieved; his whole body seemed to release. "Thank you Bella"

She sat in the usual dark brown plush chair, waiting for Dr. Palmer to come into his office. There were rows and rows of books on psychology, on psychiatric medicine, childhood depression, OCD, hallucinations, anxiety, stress, disorders – who knew there were so many books on psychological problems?

And now she had to face…or at least pretend to admit…that she had one of them.

"Hello Bella!" Dr. Palmer chirped as he entered the room, closing the door behind him. Bella could hear the click of the lock, but didn't bother with it. Today she wasn't going to be defiant, she wasn't going to fight for herself. Her body felt molded into the chair.

"So, I heard you had a little accident last night?"

_You tried to kill me!_ "Yes" Bella mumbled.

Dr. Palmer's eyebrows rose in interest. "Do you remember anything? That happened before?"

_Why is he asking me this?_

"Not really, just…falling asleep."

"I see." Dr. Palmer scooted is chair closer to hers. She looked down at the floor.

"And, have you had any…episodes today?"

"No" she automatically replied. He voice seemed so different to her, as if it wasn't her own.

"Well," Dr. Palmer again placed his hand on her knee but she ignored his over-friendliness "that's very good Bella. Now have you made an effort to contact some friends?"

"I've…been focusing on schoolwork."

"That's good too, Bella, I'm glad you are focusing on schoolwork. But," his hand started to draw dangerously close to her inner thigh. Bella's eyes widened. "I think it's also important, that you have some…distractions…some friends maybe, you can call on? A close buddy perhaps?"

Bella tried to shift away from his leering, repulsive touch, but his hand anchored her to the chair. She looked up into his eyes in panic.

"I'm guessing those seizures helped you forget all about that…hallucination."

Her eyes narrowed. "_You_…" she pushed him back "you increased the dosage so I _would_ have seizures! You- You wanted me to _forget_-"

"Shhh" immediately his hand was around her mouth. Adrenaline coursed through her veins as she was about to attack him. "I've always been attracted to you Miss Swan…you are such a…fascinating…young woman. I just couldn't bear the thought that you were being tormented by this 'fictional' Edward"

_Bella, protect yourself_…Edward's voice echoed into her mind.

In thrusting her leg up to knee Dr. Palmer in the groin, her leg came in contact with the wooden chair. Bella groaned from the pain. He held her hands over her head in a steal grip.

Tears blurred her vision _Bella, please, run! Scream, yell_- Edward pleaded once more.

A loud piercing scream escaped her mouth, muffled by the hovering man's hand. She squirmed in her seat violently, watching in horror as he began to move his hand over her chest. With a final push, her body was catapulted backwards with the armchair, onto the floor. She hoped the sound enough would suffice in saving her, that someone would run in to help her. Then she remembered. The door was locked.

"I was right" his voice was husky as he made his way around the chair "you are feisty."

_Run Bella!_

Jumping to her feet, Bella bolted towards the door- only to be grabbed around the waist and flung against the bookshelf. Books rained on top of them.

"You though you could get away" he cood into her neck. She thought she was going to be sick. Her stomach twisted uncomfortably as his hands locked her down.

"SOMEONE HEL-"

Her body fell to the red splattered ground. She felt the side of her head, and noticed the figurine on the ground, covered in her blood. Her vision became disoriented. Panic set in, and her breathing escalated.

"No," she backed up against the wall as Dr. Palmer's figure came in and out of consciousness.

_Run Bella, get away!_

Helpless tears began to flow.

_RUN!_

She made a last effort and kicked Dr. Palmer's shin when it came into view. Losing consciousness quickly, Bella crawled to the door that was shaking. _Why was the door shaking?_

His hands were clawing at her back, trying to get her away from the door-

Her fingers unlocked the knob, and with one quick thrust, she let the light of the hallway stream into her vision.

"Bella?!" Charlie's panic-stricken voice was the last she heard before all went black.

When Bella's form fell to the ground, Charlie noticed Dr. Palmer's hold on his daughter, his semi-unzippered pants- the broken armchair – the statue plastered with blood- his daughter bleeding…

Charlie's foot came in contact with the man's despicable figure, then his head- breaking his nose. Dr. Palmer doubled over in wailing pain.

"YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY DAUGHTER?!?!"

In a matter of minutes the police had arrived to a badly beaten psychiatrist, and Chief Swan holding his unconscious daughter in his jacket, with tears streaming down his face.


	4. Chapter 4

_Tell me what you think...trying to figure out how (and if I should) continue it_

* * *

After last week's events, Bella and Charlie had barely spoken to one another. Bella spent most of the day in bed with her bandage about her head. Charlie was watching the game downstairs.

How was she going to escape? She needed to get out of this dark, dank bedroom and into the sunlight.

Forcing herself out of bed, through her dizziness she pulled on a dark green sweater and jeans, her black converses and let her hair fall out of its ponytail.

"I'm going to Jacob's, see you for dinner!" Bella walked past Charlie on the couch, who was watching his usually Saturday game.

Charlie turned around startled "oh, uh, have fun."

It saddened Bella that Charlie thought she was getting better, that the anti-depressant pills from her new doctor were working. If he only knew…but then again, she didn't want him to know.

Climbing into her worn red truck, Bella turned on her stereo – the one Emmett had given her. Charlie was so perplexed when on her birthday she had come home with a completely new stereo, already installed in her truck. He had no explanation for it, and Bella's explanation was a "hallucination."

Almost immediately tears were streaming down her cheeks. Edward's lullaby for her played continuously from the speakers as she drove off towards LaPush.

No one believed her. No one knew the suffering she was going through, or the torment of seeing his ghost sometimes. Maybe she was insane. How could he just, vanish? Leave her? And leave her with nothing! No one remembered them, there was no recollection of their existence ever in forks. She missed Alice, her quirky hair and lithe step – Jasper's ability and awkwardness– Emmett's brotherly affection – Carlisle and Esme's parental guidance- even Rosalie's bitchiness.

Bella swerved the car around violently. Once and for all, she was going to settle this. She couldn't live any longer with the idea that everyone thought her crazy for loving someone who "never existed." How could a god like Edward, never exist?

The white Victorian windows were filled with darkness. The porch was unswept, leaves crowded the yard, and all the flowers save the freesia (abnormally long-lasting since their season did not run into fall) were dead.

She shut off the car, and instead of falling into gasping sobs, she was filled with determination.

She found the rake in the three car garage, still equipped, and attacked the front yard. Then she went to the porch…then she cleared the weeds…

* * *

In the end, even the 2 hours worth of work she put into it, even the semi-pristine condition of the house, couldn't convince her that the Cullens were inside that beautiful, haunted Victorian.

Bella's knees sank into the hard earth, her fists grabbing the dead grass beneath her. Her lungs began to heave – she couldn't find the air any longer to satisfy. The pain in her chest swelled, making the trickling tears turn into sobs. She wrapped an arm around herself, the other holding onto the railing of the porch.

"Edward, where are you?" she sobbed into herself, slowly making the way up the porch. She remembered where the key was hidden, in the pot plant beside the front door. In lifting the ceramic pot, she found new hope. The key had been left there.

The door creaked when she opened it into the house. It was possibly the loudest, emptiest sound in the world. The couch, the piano, tables, chairs, paintings…were covered in a white sheet with a thin layer of dust.

Slowly, Bella made her way to the piano. Undraping half of the bench and keys, her fingers began to plunk out Edward's melody…she only remembered half of what he taught her.

There was something oddly comforting in the sound echoing in the empty room. It was like Edward's voice could be heard over the notes.

"But…you're not here." She answered her own question, slumping against the piano.

The sun was setting, and it was growing darker outside. Bella turned her head and stared out the window.

When it had gone completely dark, Bella's mind was made up. She was resolute, and her sobbing had stopped.

Lifting her frail body from the bench, she traveled down the vacant hallway to the kitchen.

Everything was perfectly in place. The cabinets were still filled with dishes, there was still human food in the fridge rotting, even the silverware…

Bella unsheathed one of the long, wide kitchen knives. She laughed to herself. It looked like something a serial killer would use in a movie – except, those who did live in this house, were much more dangerous…and didn't have use for such instruments.

* * *

The stairs creaked under her weight as she ascended with her fate in hand. His room was clean, minus the scattered books on the floor. There was the bed he had bought, not for sleeping purposes, but for when she visited him.

She could smell him beneath the sheets. A wave of grief wracked her body.

_He's never coming back. This is as good as it gets. _

Looking out the window, she hoped for some solace in the light of the moon. But all was black – it was a new moon.

It wasn't that she wanted to leave. She couldn't stand the thought that she was crazy, that Edward was never real. That her father was in pain. That she was almost murdered and raped by her psychiatrist. That her life seemed meaningless. That everything was masked in grey- nothing was beautiful, everything was cold. She was going crazy, she was losing herself, and it had to stop – she couldn't let this go on – _she_ couldn't go on.

In one swift motion, she let gravity aid her as she lay on the bed. Her face was swallowed in shock as the blade stuck through the mattress.

_So…this…is what it feels like…_

It took a moment to register that everything around her was seeping in sticky-sweet smelling wetness.

The hard pounding throb in her abdomen distracted her from the anguish she felt. For once, she could concentrate on something else than the painful thought of Edward's existence.

The pounding throb those first few seconds, became an excruciating sharp pain – as if she had been bitten by James all over again.

She screamed into the darkness –straining her neck on the pillow. Her heart began to pump wildly in reaction to the feeling of pain.

"Bella!" Edward's angelic voice filled the empty room. Bella lifted her weary head, already watching the background blur – her last human visions.

_I'm only hallucinating…_

Alice bounded in, her bright golden eyes fixated upon the bed. "Oh no, we're too late Edward!"

"Where's Carlisle?!" the loud growl beside the bed made her body ache.

"He's pulling up in the driveway with Esme and Rosalie-"

"Jasper!"

Bella suddenly felt calm, hearing every voice of those she loved – whom she knew were gone. She was definitely fading out.

Hands clasped about her body, searching for something they couldn't find. Finally there was a swift tug in her abdomen, and a release.

"Oh God" Edward cried out, putting pressure on the fatal wound.

"Carlisle, she's bleeding, I-"

"Get Jasper out of here Emmett!"

Low growls and hisses were overpowered by the voices of Carlisle, Alice, and Edward…her Edward.

"E-Edward" Bella tried to lift herself up, but found her numb body stuck to the surface of the bed.

"Bella- don't! Don't move!"

His golden-honey colored eyes were filled with panic, sadness, and…something else she couldn't make out.

"She's lost too much blood. She's hemorrhaging – son, she's going into vasogenic shock from the pain"

"Can't we treat the hypovolemic or cardiogenic?"

"No, her heart is already failing."

Bella's lips were completely white, her veins are turning blue…

"The sight has become infected too quickly, she's gone septic-"

"It's black! Carlisle, Carlisle help!" his desperate cries hurt her ears. Her angel shouldn't cry, he should never feel sad.

Everything became hazy except Carlisle's figure and Edward's face above her. She felt those heavenly hands cup her face. Was he going to take her away? Was he going to free her of this pain?

"Edward, you have to chose now!"

Bella escaped the darkness to find her Edward next to her once more, holding her hand.

"I'm going to make the pain go away Bella…I'm so sorry, I so so sorry" he sobbed out.

He looked on the verge of madness.

"I-it's ok, you c-can take m-me…your not r-real…you said…you d-didn't want me, I-I wasn't g-good for you…"

"Oh Bella, I'm here, we all are, I'm so sorry for all I put you through, please forgive me, I only meant to protect you"

"But…you don't…love…me…" tears blinded her.

Edward's lips crashed down upon her own, kissing her as she had never known. His forceful, urgent kiss made her body spring to life – she wanted more, she wanted all of him –she wanted to be closer…he was intoxicating, and yet, she didn't have the energy or ability to do so.

"I love you, eternally, Isabella Swan. Always have, and always will" he drew away, blowing his breath into her – she sucked in every morsel of air. Her body shuddered as he kissed her again.

"Bella?"

She opened her mouth to speak, but he quieted her- his own body shaking with sobs.

"I love you Edward"

His lips crashed against hers again. She felt her body release – as if her soul had freed itself, and was being sucked into his being…

She let herself slowly envelope into the unknown, letting Edward's cries of her name carry her.

"NOW EDWARD!" she heard the command before the pain came. But it came and went too quickly.

And then…she was on fire…


End file.
